When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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