i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
im six kinds of drunk right now
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
