Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
