trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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