She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Randomize
