I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
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