Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
