If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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