Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
