Your face is a jimmy john
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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