Only a mothe r could love this liver
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Randomize
