chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
