"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Randomize
