turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
