shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
