I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
