I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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