New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
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