Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
