i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
