He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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