I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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