What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Mom said you looked used
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
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