a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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