I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize