his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
