Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize