Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
