My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Randomize
