I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
