the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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