everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
