I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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