If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
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