Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
i think i have herpe
just one?
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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