You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Randomize
