i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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