I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
