Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
