I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
