she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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