I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
