Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Randomize
