2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bondingš
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
You know itās going to be a rough day when you scream āGet fuckedā at your alarm clock
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