One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
