as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Randomize
