Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
