Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Randomize
