i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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