The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
