ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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