I'm drive I can fine osifer
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
