I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
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