I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Randomize
