Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I think I just sharted jello shots
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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