just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
