Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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