It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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